White people love the shit out of yum cha.
It’s fun, it’s tasty and you can drink beer at 11 a.m. – the perfect Aussie hangover cure. And even though you love showing off Cantonese cuisine, you know you can always count on your friends asking the same damn questions every time.
1. “Can we get some spring rolls?”
You don’t have to ask. They saw you come in. They’re bringing you spring rolls.
2. “Um, do you have any pork buns? No, um.. Pork buns? Pork bun?”
Don’t drop the ‘s’ dudes. It’s called cha siu bao. Pronounced Cha as in “yum cha”, siuas in “syoo” and bow as in “bow down Bunnings sausage sizzle bitches, this is how you do meat and bread.”
3. “Excuse me, can we please get some drinks?”
And they always ask the ladies with the trolley. Every. Time.
FYI: Ladies with trolley = food, man in suit = drinks.
4. “Hi, could I order a Coke please? How many of you want a Coke? One, two… Five cokes please.”
Pssst. The clue is in the name. Yum Cha means drink tea.
Meanwhile you’re smashing the bottomless cups of jasmine tea and they wonder why you don’t feel bloated afterwards. The only thing you’re bloated with is ANTI-MOTHAFUCKINOXIDANTS BRO.
5. “Ooh you know what I love? That barbequed pork. The pink one.”
Yep. We know. It’s the same thing that’s in that bun you like. Maybe learn the name of the thing you like to eat.
6. “Can I have a fork?”
Of course you can and we will only judge you a tiiiiiiiheapsiiiny bit. Don’t forget it’s totally cool to just lift the bowl closer to your mouth though. Too easy.
7. “I don’t think the trolley lady likes me.”
It’s not that she doesn’t like you, it’s just that she doesn’t care about you. There’s a difference. Remember, she’s cooking noodles on a hot plate with wheels – Essentially cooking and driving a vehicle at the same time as trying to interpret your vague-ass pointing.
8. “Have you seen any of those green veggies go around? You know, with the sauce?”
You’re not being more specific when you ask the waiter for the Chinese veggies.
9. “Can we get some more dumplings please?”
You guys know when Chinese people go out to dinner, we don’t just order “some meat” right?
10. “Hey, is this chicken feet?”
Mate, when it’s chicken feet, you’ll know. We also call that dish phoenix claw, if you want to be authentic/sound like a wizard.
11. “Wow! Only 25 bucks each!”
Yes, that is the magic rule of yum cha. No matter how many people or how much you eat, it is ALWAYS $25 each. You’re welcome.